Salvation

I still have so many things to say
That only the ceiling can bear to hear.
All the laments, all the reasons, all the excuses,
I still have them all tucked in here
And it feels heavier by the minute.
It feels like I want to scream
But it feels like my voice will only echo
Across empty lands and deaf ears
Screaming through the howling wind
Fighting through another thunderstorm.

 

I have never been considerably anything
Other than average
Or weak
Or fearful.
Over time, the urge to succumb to such labels
Gets stronger, like a monster
Gathering its bearings.
Who is to blame,
The monster?
The feeders?
Or the Creator?

 

Playing God in the only war
You can wage upon yourself
Trudging through barren lands;
Once innocent, once full of beauty.
I looked at the sky and God saw Death in me
Breathing, living, filling my lungs,
Inhabiting every cell in my body.
God did not care but she was not new
To such narcissistic apatheticness
Of a family who didn’t saw the pain

 

Run, run little girl, a voice says on her heart
Never see them again.
Live life in a chaotic path!
But I stopped and stared at the ground
Stopped my rash infatuation
To the apple the snake offered
I tried to stop thinking
But I couldn’t
However, I couldn’t
I couldn’t…
I’m trying my best
But I can’t…

 

Everything with him is the same
A familiar trainwreck waiting to happen
And I could say the same thing about me
I’m drowning myself
In my own sorrow while I huddle myself
In a friend’s home
Tears replace what words could not show
Because I don’t know what’s going on
And I want to run away
To someplace better
To someplace more magical
Anywhere other than here.
I can’t keep doing this
Lying behind everybody’s back
Never trusting myself
Never trusting others

 

Sometimes all I want to do
Is to write as much as I can
Because there’s no other way
I can write the pain away
It’s all shirt and mud and grease
Inside my veins
Tricking through open wounds.
Please, all I want is for you to touch me gently
I’m hurt, I’m trying to be brave
I’m trying to live life again
I’m doing my best

 

But I’m tired of explaining
And tired of expecting
I’m tired of myself
And I’m almost tired of trying

 

I need hope, I want to hope
I want to have faith
I want to believe
In that last spark trying to
Rekindle itself within me
I’m keeping it alight
Cupping the flame between my hands
“This is the only thing I can do
To save my soul from Hell.”

 

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Hesitation

“I think I love him..but not yet. It’s too soon. I cannot make the jump at a low point in my life. I think he loves me but I do not really know.

I feel like time slows down. Old 80’s soundtrack plays on the background. It was 1 AM in the morning again.I cradle my phone like I would cradle his head.He whispers to my ear music of the universe and the hope of the human soul.

He was real, perhaps he is honest. Why couldn’t I adore him? But no, not yet, I need to fly away.

For distance,

For thinking,

For the love of my heart.

I do not want to jump. I do not want to expect.

But I do know that I wish time stopped at 1 AM with my head on your neck as we talked about all that matters and all that had soul.

I can’t stop myself when I think of you but the world is waiting; we both have to get going.

I have to think of myself too.”

Psychosis

Thoughts and questions
scattered in different directions;
Wonders and fears
mixed together
in an intimidating bundle.
Passive like a statue,
lifeless like a robot.
Hearts as wild as the jungle
But minds as frozen as ice.
Freedom from this cage,
That’s all she desires:To fly to the future.
Leave the hurt
and pain behind
In the tiny cage of hopelessness.
If only
she can.

In this catatonic state of mind,
Where everything is on autopilot,
There’s death
Lurking inside,
Getting through the seams,
Touching
Staining
Destroying everything.
The monsters are
getting scarier now.
Back to the comforts
Of blankets
and teddy bears.
Off she goes,
To a land far away
once more.